My radio station’s Internet Service Provider (ISP) has, for years, done their level best to filter out junk from the numerous e-mail accounts I have been relegated to manage. About once every year, however, the ISP tweaks or upgrades its anti-spam filter, which results in a temporary deluge of junk e-mails. I applaud my stations ISP for doing what I can only assume is their level best. Alas, about once a year (for about a 1 month period), I get a stinking, flaming paper bag full of garbage in my e-mail inbox.
At such times, I written an open letter to those who are trying so hard to entice me to purchase the items and services they are offering. And, as it is that time once again, here’s my latest “open letter to e-mail spammers”.
Dear Sir/Madam/Off-Shore Bulk E-Mailer:
I thank you for your interest in offering your (product/service) to (insert recipient here). After all, in the United States, a free marketplace is key, and I applaud your enthusiasm to convince me to spend money on your (product/service). At this time, however, I am unable (or unwilling) to purchase your (product/service). It’s not you (the spammer/bulk e-mailer)! You’re doing what you’re employer has asked you to do, and such, you’re just doing your job. I cannot speak on behalf of my co-workers, but, if you take a moment to review my reasons below, I will not purchase your (product/service) at this time for the following reasons:
Over the past 5+ years, I have been inundated with offers to refinance my home loan. Please note that I am not a homeowner, and at such time that I own a home of my own, I will finance the loan through my local bank or mortgage company, not through someone who sends me 50 e-mails a day asking me to give your "discount home loan refinancing" a try.
I am, at this time, not interested in purchasing any pharmaceuticals manufactured in third world countries that boast “natural male enhancement”. Come to think of it, I’m not interested in anything manufactured in third-world countries, nor am I interested in any (products/services) that offer “natural male enhancement”. I have never inquired to anyone about such enhancement products/services, nor do I plan to in the foreseeable future. Not that it is any of your business (and it’s not), but if my “marital relations” were suffering from any “shortcomings”, I would have consulted a doctor, not you. At this time “natural male enhancement” for me would likely involve squatting on a hornets nest. As I am allergic to hornets, never plan to squat on a hornets nest, and I have no idea if the pharmaceuticals you offer contain hornet venom, I will especially try to avoid purchasing your product. The same applies to discount pharmaceuticals from Canada, minus the hornet venom.
Speaking of “male enhancement” and other such products, I would appreciate it – if you insist on sending me 50+ e-mails per day pitching me such offers – if you would take a moment to correct your spelling. Proper spelling will always enhance the sales pitch. For clarification purposes, it’s “Cialis”, not “Ci8lIs”. It’s “Viagra”, not “vIaGr8”. It’s “small cap stocks”, not “smal1 cAp st0ck$”. And if you’re offering software at “d1scount PrIce$”, it’s “Microsoft Windows XP”, not “m1cr0so0ft W1nd0ws xP”.
For your benefit, I must also stress the importance of a proper e-mail address, as it conveys to a recipient a sense of honesty. Key to this is the name on the e-mail coinciding with the name in the e-mail address. How can I be sure of your intention to be an honest product/service provider if your e-mail says it’s from “Bob Johnson”, while the e-mail address says "frankfredricksen@___.com"? And why are you sending me 50+ e-mails a day, using various forged e-mail addresses, pitching the same product/service? If I were interested, I would have given you my money by now, wouldn’t I?
I could site a number of other reasons why I’m not, at this time, interested in your product/service, but I hope I’ve made my point clear – you don’t have my business.
Wishing you continued success in future endeavors –
- Radioguy
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