A Wish For All the Difficult People In Your Life

I can't remember who sent this great picture to me, but the picture is appropos.

An open letter to bulk mailers, spammers, and off-shore e-mail distributors

Dear Sir or Madam:

I would like to thank you for the e-mail I received from you today. It is comforting to know that you (and others like you) consider me (and millions of others like me) a possible consumer of the product/service you are selling. However, I will not be purchasing the product/service that you (and others like you) are offering to me (and millions of others like me) today, and there are specific reasons why. Allow me to explain.

• I have no interest in purchasing Viagra, Cialis, or related products, and my “personal relations” with my spouse are none of your concern.
  
• I do not intend to purchase pharmaceutical products from Canada, thank you.
  
• Small cap stocks? I think not.
  
• Visit your pay-by-credit card porn site? No thank you, I’m not interested. And if I were, there are terabytes upon terabytes of pornography on the World Wide Web that does not require a credit card, let alone valid identification.
  
• Refinance my home loan? I (and millions of people like me) either rent or have already refinanced my home loan, through a reputable, local, financial institution. So, no thank you.

While I (and millions of people like me) will not be giving you our business, some people may. To improve the chances of obtaining those clients, I have five recommendations.

1. Before you send an e-mail, please obtain a grasp of the English language, and how to use it in the printed form. For example, the subject line of your e-mail should read, “Discount offer on Viagra,” not “dude, she likes iT bigGer. Cheap ViAgrA noW.”
2. Please learn to spell. You may have better results if your e-mail’s subject line reads, “Opportunity to make money in the stock market with a low initial investment,” not “small cap St0cks.”
3. Make a concerted effort to know who you are sending the e-mail to. If my name was - for example, Jerry - why would you send me an e-mail with a subject line that reads, “Look at this, Julie”???
4. I (and millions of people like me) would be more inclined to look at your e-mail if the name of the person sending the e-mail doesn’t make me (and millions of people like me) giggle out loud. It’s difficult to take an offer to refinance my home loan seriously when it is sent by “Humungous G. Pointless,” “Foolish R. Investment,” or “Spanky Foofernickel.” If your name IS Spanky Foofernickel, forgive me – you’re still on my ignore list, and you should sue your parents for years of counseling and lost revenue potential from mass -emails.
5. Finally, consider changing the domain/e-mail provider to better match your name. If your e-mail says it’s from “Katherine Smith,” and the e-mail address says “frank_jones@aol.com,” I (and millions of people like me) will give your offer a sideways glance. E-mails from foreign countries always raise a red flag for me (and millions of people like me) – basically anything that does not end in “.com,” “.net”, or “.org”. May I suggest becoming a client for a reputable American Internet Service Provider?

With “hindsight being 20/20,” perhaps you should consider giving up on the e-mail efforts and concentrate on more accepted forms of advertisement? Chances are that I (and millions of people like me) would be more apt to take offers by you (and others like you) seriously. A free market is a wonderful thing, if done correctly!

If you would like to send me feedback, or if you would like to send me additional offers, please send e-mail to “Frankly T. Enormodrome” (todd_jones@jkllirhs.dk) or “Y. R. U. Botheringme” (allan_smithy@freddyfredsuperfreddyfredrickson.bz)

Buy American! Shop American!

Yours truly,

RaDi0gUy (and millions of people like me)!