An Open Letter to Bulk E-Mailers and Spammers - Year 3

My radio station’s Internet Service Provider (ISP) has, for years, done their level best to filter out junk from the numerous e-mail accounts I have been relegated to manage. About once every year, however, the ISP tweaks or upgrades its anti-spam filter, which results in a temporary deluge of junk e-mails. I applaud my stations ISP for doing what I can only assume is their level best. Alas, about once a year (for about a 1 month period), I get a stinking, flaming paper bag full of garbage in my e-mail inbox.

At such times, I written an open letter to those who are trying so hard to entice me to purchase the items and services they are offering. And, as it is that time once again, here’s my latest “open letter to e-mail spammers”.

Dear Sir/Madam/Off-Shore Bulk E-Mailer:

I thank you for your interest in offering your (product/service) to (insert recipient here). After all, in the United States, a free marketplace is key, and I applaud your enthusiasm to convince me to spend money on your (product/service). At this time, however, I am unable (or unwilling) to purchase your (product/service). It’s not you (the spammer/bulk e-mailer)! You’re doing what you’re employer has asked you to do, and such, you’re just doing your job. I cannot speak on behalf of my co-workers, but, if you take a moment to review my reasons below, I will not purchase your (product/service) at this time for the following reasons:

Over the past 5+ years, I have been inundated with offers to refinance my home loan. Please note that I am not a homeowner, and at such time that I own a home of my own, I will finance the loan through my local bank or mortgage company, not through someone who sends me 50 e-mails a day asking me to give your "discount home loan refinancing" a try.

I am, at this time, not interested in purchasing any pharmaceuticals manufactured in third world countries that boast “natural male enhancement”. Come to think of it, I’m not interested in anything manufactured in third-world countries, nor am I interested in any (products/services) that offer “natural male enhancement”. I have never inquired to anyone about such enhancement products/services, nor do I plan to in the foreseeable future. Not that it is any of your business (and it’s not), but if my “marital relations” were suffering from any “shortcomings”, I would have consulted a doctor, not you. At this time “natural male enhancement” for me would likely involve squatting on a hornets nest. As I am allergic to hornets, never plan to squat on a hornets nest, and I have no idea if the pharmaceuticals you offer contain hornet venom, I will especially try to avoid purchasing your product. The same applies to discount pharmaceuticals from Canada, minus the hornet venom.

Speaking of “male enhancement” and other such products, I would appreciate it – if you insist on sending me 50+ e-mails per day pitching me such offers – if you would take a moment to correct your spelling. Proper spelling will always enhance the sales pitch. For clarification purposes, it’s “Cialis”, not “Ci8lIs”. It’s “Viagra”, not “vIaGr8”. It’s “small cap stocks”, not “smal1 cAp st0ck$”. And if you’re offering software at “d1scount PrIce$”, it’s “Microsoft Windows XP”, not “m1cr0so0ft W1nd0ws xP”.

For your benefit, I must also stress the importance of a proper e-mail address, as it conveys to a recipient a sense of honesty. Key to this is the name on the e-mail coinciding with the name in the e-mail address. How can I be sure of your intention to be an honest product/service provider if your e-mail says it’s from “Bob Johnson”, while the e-mail address says "frankfredricksen@___.com"? And why are you sending me 50+ e-mails a day, using various forged e-mail addresses, pitching the same product/service? If I were interested, I would have given you my money by now, wouldn’t I?

I could site a number of other reasons why I’m not, at this time, interested in your product/service, but I hope I’ve made my point clear – you don’t have my business.

Wishing you continued success in future endeavors –

- Radioguy

Mmmm... Butterburgers....

As I've mentioned before, Wifey and I are, once again on the Atkins diet, the first two weeks of which limits us to pretty much just meat, cheese and salad. Breaking the chains of monotony during the first two weeks is dependent upon getting creative with how those three foodstuff interact. So, last week, Wifey suggested we try a tip for burgers that Paula Deen suggested to keep the patties moist on the BBQ (we do a lot of BBQing on this diet) - put a pat of butter inside each patty before cooking. Not only is it a great tip, but I had, in fact, used it before. "OK, smart guy," my wife said, "then you make the burgers!" Here's what I came up with:

Radioguy's Butterburgers

Ingredients

• 3 pounds ground beef
• 4 eggs
• 2 1/2 cups finely ground pork rinds
• 2 tbls. liquid smoke
• 2 tbls. onion powder
• butter
• sliced cheese

Directions

• In a large bowl, thoroughly combine the beef, eggs, liquid smoke and onion powder.
• Mix in the pork rinds.
• Shape into 1/3 pound patties. Make an indentation in the center of each patty. Place a pat of butter (or butter substitute) into the indentation. Fold meat from the sides of the patty over the butter-filled indentation, smoothing the meat out so as it doesn't show any butter "peeking through" (essentially placing the butter in the center of the patty, like the jelly of a jelly-filled donut).
• Cook (or BBQ) the patties as you would normally do. Top with sliced cheese (we used Sargento Chipotle Cheddar slices).
• Serve as patty melts or as "regular" burgers.

Makes 9 burgers.

The important thing about this recipe is - aside from the butter - the pork rinds. As the patties cook, and the butter melts into the meat, the rinds keep the butter from escaping, thereby keeping the patties very moist.

These burgers are Atkins friendly, but are great for anyone.

New Twist On My Trusty BBQ Sauce

Tried a culinary experiment yesterday - modifying my homemade BBQ sauce to create a new variety. I was pretty pleased with the results. I call it "Radioguy's Sweet & Smokey BBQ Sauce". Here's the recipe:

INGREDIENTS

• 1 cup catsup
• 1 ¼ cup brown sugar, firmly packed
• ¼ cup lime juice
• 1 tbls. Vegetable oil
• 1 tbls. Lea & Perrin’s Worcestershire sauce
• 12 oz. tomato paste
• 12 oz. Beer, any brand
• 1 ½ cup onion, finely chopped
• 4 cloves garlic, finely chopped
• 1 ounce liquid smoke

DIRECTIONS

• In a 2-quart saucepan or pot, combine the catsup, brown sugar, lime juice, vegetable oil, Worchester sauce, tomato paste, and beer.
• In a food processor or spice grinder, mix the onion and garlic, then add to the sauce. Add to the mixture in the saucepan.
• Heat all ingredients to boiling, add liquid smoke and reduce heat to low. Cover and simmer for 1 hour, stirring occasionally.

Yield: about 5 cups of sauce.

Glen Fu: The One Finger Squishy Pig Attack!

Glen Fu: The 12 Ounce Can Attack!

Glen Fu: The One Move Attack

Brisket tonight!

Beef brisket is on the menu for dinner tonight. The recipe I'm using is one of my own:

• Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
• Place brisket, fat side up, on a rack in a roasting pan.
• Add about 1 cup of cold water the to bottom of the pan.
• Bake brisket, covered, at 50 minutes per pound.
• 10 minutes before the brisket is done, remove from oven, uncover, and cover lightly with lemon juice and brown sugar.
• Bake oncovered at 375 degrees for the final 10 minutes.
• After baking, let brisket "rest" for 10-15 minutes before carving into thin slices.

Man, that's some GOOD brisket. Doesn't taste like a salt-lick, and has an almost candy-like crust. And the brisket sandwiches the day afterward.... Mmmmmmm!

Tonight's brisket is shy of 4 pounds, so we're eating dinner late tonight.

Yum, Yum, Yum!

It's always rewarding when a dinner idea works well. Tonight, dinner is Baked Beef Brisket, with a side-dish of Asparagus with Parmesan Cheese. Here's how I did the side-dish...

Asparagus with Parmesan and Mozeralla Cheese

Ingredients

• 2 15-oz. cans extra long tender asparagus spears (drained)
• 1/4 cup shredded Parmesan cheese
• 3/4 cup shredded Mozeralla cheese
• butter
• Itailan seasoning (to taste).

Preparation

• Spread 1 can of drained asparagus spears in an 8-inch square backing dish.
• Dollop with butter.
• Sprinkle parmesan cheese on top.
• Spread the second can of drained spears on top, making a second layer.
• Dollop with butter.
• Sprinkle the Mozerella cheese on top, covering the entire top of the dish.
• Sprinkle Italian seasoning on top.

Broil for 7-10 minutes, or until cheese is bubbly.

To recap, here's what I cooked...

(Baked Brisket)


(Broiled Asparagus with Cheese)

Now that's some good eatin'!

Odd pizza varieties

Reading a blog posting from Felyne about pizza got me thinking about the odd varieties of pizza anyone can find at their local pizza parlour. I sumbit a few varieties...

Meat Smothers Pizza
Made with three times the helpings of sausage, pepperoni, and ground beef found in “normal” pizzas. Cheese extra. Includes an informative brochure on what to do in the event of a heart attack.

Dolphin-Free Seafood Pizza
Made with either canned tuna or canned salmon. Pizza still comes with a warning label about the health effects of mercury on pregnant women.

PETA Pizza
All ingredients are guaranteed to be animal-free, and have never been used for cosmetic testing. Varieties come in bland, very bland, and lipstick.

Enviro-Buddy Pizza
No meat, no veggies, no crust, and no sauce. Not only low-carb and low-calorie, but CFCs are not used to create it. How environmentally friendly can you get!

Earth Liberation Front Pizza
This variety of the PETA Pizza includes your choice of a coupon, either boasting half-off an arson attack against anyone trying to build a home, with a pre-scribed note, saying, “Construction Kills Trees!,” or half-off a vandalism or fire-bombing at a prominent research lab (usually at a university with a liberal student body), with a pre-scribed note, saying, “scientific research causes global warming!”

Tutti Fruity Patooti Pizza
Chock-full of fibrous fruit. Sweet-tasting, and very filling. May cause abdominal distension and/or excessive flatulence.

Love-filled/hate-filled Vegetarian Pizza
Peppers, onions, tomatoes, and olives, plus a complimentary “God hates meat eaters” protest sign.

The Bush-Basher Pizza
Your choice of any ingredients, piled as short or as high as you want. The pizza comes with a complimentary protest sign saying the government forced you to eat the pizza, and that any health problems that you may experience as a result of eating the pizza are entirely the fault of the Bush Administration. The back of the sign reads, “If Kerry won the election, federal programs would be in place to help me with my pizza choices”.

Dish up the pizza pie and enjoy! Mmmm... That's-a good eatin'!

Another RadioGuy Recipe: Curried Lamb

For years, I've loved Indian food, particularly curry. The difficult thing for me is that quick curry recipes are hard to find on the Internet. Lamb is an Indian dietary mainstay, as is curry, so I've combined these into a (somewhat) quick meal that I call...


Radioguy's Curried Lamb with Basmati Rice


For the Curried Lamb

• 3 tablespoons butter
• 1 ½ tablespoon curry powder
• 2 tbls. vinegar
  
• 1 clove garlic
• ½ large onion
• 1 pound lean lamb, cut in 1/2-inch cubes
• Salt and pepper
• 1 can diced tomatoes
  

Directions

• Melt the butter in a heavy skillet over medium heat.
• Add the vinegar, curry powder, and stir for a minute or so.
• Add the garlic, onion, and lamb.
• Saute, stirring frequently, for 7 minutes or so; or until the lamb is done through.
• Salt and pepper to taste.

For the Basmati Rice

• 1 cup Basmati Rice
• 2 ½ cups chicken broth
• ½ large onion, finely chopped
• 1 red bell pepper, finely chopped

Directions

• Cook rice in a rice steamer (steaming directions will vary), but substitute broth for water, and add onion and pepper while cooking.

Authentic Indian cooking is rare in my corner of the globe (we have one Indian restaurant in these parts, and while the food is excellent, the prices are not). If anyone has any Indian recipies to share, please share them!